Seinfeld Characters and Their Fandom of Professional Wrestling Circa Season Nine

Jerry Seinfeld fell away from his pro wrestling fandom when he was twelve years old. It was precisely the moment George “The Animal” Steele stumbled through the door of the bathroom stall Jerry had forgotten to lock and The Animal’s meaty paw landed on his forehead. Mr. Steele apologized profusely but Jerry never fully recovered, causing damage to multiple future romances. He once indulged The Costanzas in a family outing to Madison Square Garden for the matches but spent more time complaining about concessions or walking back through the concourse to flirt with the ticket lady at the gate. They would go on two dates before he stopped calling her because, “She smelled like the Garden. It’s not a bad smell, I love the Garden! But I can’t think about The Garden when I’m intimate with a woman, I’ll start thinking about the Knicks! And that’s no time to be thinking about the Knicks.” If asked his favorite wrestler he’d probably politely name Hulk Hogan mainly because of the Superman vibe and being unaware of his ‘96 WCW heel turn.

George grew up in a household inundated with professional wrestling. Frank worked as a wrestler for about a year and even did the job in a squash match for Bruno Sammartino. He never smartened Estelle up to the business, despite her once hitting one of the heels with her handbag she had loaded with a brick. George figured out what was up with kayfabe at a pretty young age but remained a lifelong fan. He’s watched WWF weekly since and his favorite wrestlers were “Superstar” Billy Graham, Andre the Giant, and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. He’s also really starting to like this “Stone Cold” Steve Austin guy, mostly because of the way he treats his boss. According to George, Wendi Richter once winked at him after a show, but he tripped over a seeing eye dog while walking to her, leaving her disgusted. His biggest problem with modern wrestling is Jerry “The King” Lawler’s commentary, often asking, “I don’t get the whole ‘puppies’ thing. They’re breasts, Jerry! You have some puppies, you take them for a nice little walk. You don’t walk breasts.”

Elaine is a big fan, mostly low key about it due to Jerry’s disdain and never wanting Puddy to see her obsession on the level of his with hockey. She typically attends shows alone for several reasons: never being invited by the Costanzas, Kramer is way more into it than her, and she wants to be unaccompanied in case she catches the eye of one of the wrestlers. She thinks she still has a chance with one, despite a lousy one night stand with a World Champion she refuses to name. She also once turned down a very drunk Marty Jannetty, not recognizing him until he’d left and later wishing she’d strung him along long enough to get Shawn Michaels’ phone number, her favorite wrestler since she first saw him while slumming it in Atlantic City for WrestleMania V. Despite covering up her fandom otherwise, she often brings up the time Miss Elizabeth thanked her for pointing out a run in her stockings. If you have the key to The Vault then you’re likely to hear, “Big Sexy? More like Big Lazy. That Kevin Nash made me do all the work. I get that the air might be a little thinner up there when you’re seven feet tall but he was laying down the whole time!”

Kramer has been a hardcore fan since childhood, subscribing to newsletters and attending nearly every ECW show in New York City as well as many in Jersey (as long as they were easily accessible by train and Bob Sacamano, a personal friend of Paul Heyman’s, had comped tickets). He has an extensive collection of wrestling action figures in one room of his apartment that no other living human has ever seen. Countless spiral ring notebooks hold the history of every event of the last decade in his replica ring and arena with a full set that includes cardboard cutouts to represent the audience.He obsessively rereads the Pro Wrestling Illustrated Almanac and writes letters to every newsstand wrestling mag, hoping to get picked up as a columnist. A hobbyist New Japan Pro Wrestling tape trader, copies of Kramer’s collection are available at many street markets throughout the city. His favorite wrestlers are Jushin “Thunder” Liger, the Bushwackers, and Rob Van Dam, and he often says “That Hunter Hearst Helmsley kid is going places, I tell ya, they’re holding him back but it’s not gonna be long!”. He once went on a date with Mae Young.

Newman is the king of the Smart Marks. He doesn’t subscribe to Dave Meltzer’s Wrestling Observer Newsletter but he “borrows” copies accessible along his mail route and writes into it regularly under several nomes de plume. His job also gives him access to the highest quality of tape trading. Newman has attended dozens of indie shows, including driving down to Delaware for the first ECWA Super 8 Tournament. His figure collection is more extensive than Kramer's. but they all remain sealed in the original packaging. Paul Heyman once booked him to appear at an ECW show as a one-off member of the Dudley family, Ulysses Sylvester Pendleton Seneca (USPS) Dudley, as a last minute replacement in a spot planned for Dances With Dudley. Paul E still owes him money for that one. Newman proudly wears a homemade Jumping Bomb Angels shirt to every show he attends and his other favorite wrestlers are Reckless Youth, Mike Quackenbush, Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada, and Manami Toyota (you probably haven’t heard of them). Kramer’s date with Mae Young coincided with Newman having a seven hour long fuck session with Fabulous Moolah, after which he would remark to Jerry, “You know what they say, the riper the berry, the sweeter the juice. And that juice was just…too…sweet! Ha ha ha ha.”